Corner Archives 2002

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Table of Contents: 2002
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Welcome to Payson Road's annual Surviving the Holidays feature on the Corner and the Weekly Catch. Throughout the next month, up until the New Year, we'll be coming at you with some supportive, helpful and fun ways to change your experience by turning stress into growth and finding a new beginning for yourself.

So stay tuned! And have a safe and peaceful holiday season.

Wishing that you'll find your truth in the New Year!

-Sarah Mason

Part I - Post Turkey Syndrome - December 4, 2002
Part II - Words Betray Me - December 12, 2002
Part III - Christmas Traditions - December 23, 2002

Every year I tell myself I can�t get into the Christmas spirit unless I experience the same traditions I have since I was a kid. I started to think I was becoming obsessed. This year I found myself searching online for CDs of the music I used to have to listen to as a kid� Anyone have the Amy Grant Christmas CDs? Or the Percy Faith instrumental collection?

Two weekends ago my husband and I drove down to L.A. to celebrate an early Christmas with his parents, since we moved out of state and won�t make it down on the actual date. Besides seeing them, it was so important for me to take a drive around one of those special neighborhoods with all the Christmas lights � so important that I made everyone who wanted to see us join us for a caravan of light cruising! We went to Torrance, a fantastic place to see lights, and it was spectacular for sure, but now that I think about it, could our limited time have been spent better in front of the fireplace instead of behind the wheel?

Because I�m starting to second-guess my desire to continue childhood Christmas traditions, I decided I�d better look into the phenomenon that I know many others experience this time of year� What is it about Wham�s �Last Christmas� that makes me sigh and remember those two week high school breaks? Why do I make my mom bake sand cookies with colored sprinkles every year? What exactly is the spirit of Christmas for me?

Digging deep, I�m discovering that the spirit of Christmas for me is the simply spirit of giving and togetherness between me and my family. I love giving thoughtful things to my family. I think it is a nice way to show my love and appreciation for them. While the shopping experience can get out of hand due to the commercialism of the American holiday season, I�m still not fazed as long as I remember why I do it. I�m not a real religious person, but I am spiritual and have made this season into something that fulfills my soul.

So what if certain songs like The Waitresses� �Christmas Wrapping� or Band Aid�s �Do They Know It�s Christmas� bring me joy year after year? And who cares if I long to see the lights, or drink hot chocolate with 20 marshmallows more than usual with my mom�s sand cookies? All of these things inspire me to give and to feel the spirit of my own Christmas, which is my family�s love!

I don�t need to worry about why I do what I do at Christmas every year. I�m hard on myself thinking I�m holding onto silly childhood memories or something. The truth is, though, the feelings I get from hearing old songs or eating the same foods or experiencing the same moments are wonderful reminders of the love my family shares each year and every day.

So bring on the Neil Diamond Christmas album (is that an oxymoron?)! Bring on the chex mix and the Swedish meatballs! Bring on the lighted garland and �A Christmas Story� movie marathon! Because if that�s what inspires me to feel joy and giving this time of year, I�ll take it!

Whatever your holiday memories or traditions are, I say hold on to as many as you can � be proud of them and let them nurture your soul, as long as they bring you joy!

Well, I've finally gone and done it. I've tried to be incredibly honest about who I am and my struggles. And in my search for the truth, I guess it was inevitable that someone would get hurt.

You've all read my articles and my story and I don't think any of you, so I'm told, have gotten the impression that I dislike my family. For the most part, what people have told me is they see me as being human and having the same kind of issues they have with their own families. That's been something that has been comforting to people. And one of the reasons why I've tried to be forthcoming. So that all of you struggling with an eating disorder can find peace in relating to someone else's story. It may or may not be similar to your own situation but it strikes a cord. It gives you comfort because you know you're not alone. I've felt so alone with my eating disorder which is one of the reasons I started the site.

I've always taken responsibility for my eating disorder. I don't blame anyone for it. But through the written word I've tried to discover more about it's origins. From my perception, of course. And, after all, that's what it's all about, our perceptions, our feelings, trying to sort them all out. Whatever your feelings are you gotta know that someone else is going to have potentially a completely different perspective. And that's okay. We are all entitled to our own perceptions.

My family is upset about some of the things I've written. And I'm very sorry that I've hurt them. I've never said anything with malice and I love my family very much. When you put something out there and come from a place of absolute truth in your feelings, your bound to hurt someone or piss somebody off. That was never my intention with this website. What I've tried to do is understand myself a little it better by opening the doors to my experiences with the hope that it would help others try to understand themselves.  And for me, writing about all of this is my way of letting it go.

So what do I do now? Do I stop putting it out there? Do I edit what I'm feeling and save it for my diary?   That's the dilemma I'm faced with.   I've been much harder on myself than anyone else. It's not easy to put out there to the world that I had my head over a toilet bowl for twenty years. But that's the point, this site isn't about my family it's about eating disorders and helping others come to terms with themselves. In trying to reach that goal, issues about our families inevitably will come up. But the focus is the search for understanding why we do this to ourselves.

It is so crucial for all of us to stay in our truth but it is a fine line.   Words have been my salvation yet they betray me.  So today I'm going to talk about the things I love about my family and how their love has helped me grow and shaped me.

One of the reasons I've had such a hard time in deciding not go home for Christmas is that Christmastime is my mom. She always made Christmas so special. Yes things change over the years. We all grow up in a family system that stresses us out at one time or another. Then we have the stress of our own lives mixed with the standard holiday stress and it's easy to miss the point of what the holidays are all about. But no matter how I express my angst over all these things, I still can't think of anyone I'd rather spend Christmas wit then my mom. In fact this year I'm really thinking about doing nothing, spending it on my own because to me that seems easier then trying to recreate Christmas without my family.

My mom has the magic touch with holidays. As a little girl I couldn't wait for Christmas, my birthday, Easter, Halloween, they were all amazing. Not because of all the presents but because my mother made every holiday so special. Holidays mean something to my mom, and more importantly, making holidays mean something to us, means something to her. She is so enthusiastic and so thoughtful. Every gift picked out with such care. She knows exactly what we need and what would be a much appreciated surprise. She trudges through the snow, (which is a pain in the ass for anyone let alone someone with crutches), to take everyone to the Christmas revels. We wouldn't have done this stuff on our own, maybe now we would because she passed down the traditions but she's the one who spreads the holiday cheer. And I'm so grateful for all my Christmases.

Mum's always taken a tremendous interest in all of our lives. She knows intimate details, and remembers every fight with every friend, every heartbreak. She can relate to anyone. I could bring home someone from any walk of life and she would be able to communicate with them. She has tremendous grace and class. She's there whenever I need her without fail. When I'm hurt, when I'm sad, when I'm pissed or depressed the first person I want to call is my mother.

My very good friend and ex-boyfriend, Jonathan's grandmother is on life support and they don't expect her to make it through night. He called me today to tell me about it. I was so sad to hear this news. I really like his grandmother. And we chatted about her and he spoke about what she means to him, how she's the ultimate Italian matriarch. Her life priority is the family. And as Jonathan put it, she's lived a good, clean life. She devoted every ounce of her energy to her family.

I was thinking about her and how true that is. And it made me think about my mother and that expression Jonathan used, "good, clean life". My mother has live such a good, clean life. She is honest, she's caring. She's devoted herself to her family. And she's had a really tough life. But she's kept surviving and her survival has enabled my survival. She was a single mother, who worked, helped put me through school, support me, feed me, take care of me. I owe everything to her really. And I don't have anything close to the amount of integrity she has. I think I got her endurance and stamina, and maybe strength. But she's much more honest then I am and selfless.

I have this memory great childhood memory from the house on Payson Road. We had this green Berber carpet on the steps going up to the second floor. I remember that carpet so well. On Christmas morning we'd all wake up, early of course, and wait at the top of the stairs (usually my brother and I first) for everyone to assemble before going downstairs to see what Santa brought.

There was so much anticipation, waiting on the top of the stairs. Them mum would ask us if we were ready and we'd rush downstairs. Usually, the big gifts were out and unwrapped so when we got to the bottom of the stairs the Bionic Woman Dome House and giant Snoopy were visible. We were so excited. Mum would react with so much fervor and love with every gift opened. Even the crappy ash trays we made her she'd love.

She still reacts that way when we open the gifts. And I gotta tell you, for me that's what Christmas is all about. Not the gift but seeing my mom's face light up the way it does. She is Christmas for me. She's the sparkle that can't be created with presents. I'm gonna miss that sparkle this year. It won't be the same.

What can I say, be true to your feelings but be aware of how you're affecting other people. And as you all think about your family dysfunctions and worry about how you're going to survive the holidays, don't overlook what they truly mean to you.. My mother's my hero. Always has been, always will be. My brother makes me laugh louder and harder than anyone in the world. He's my greatest buddy and he's genuinely a good man who's thoughtful and very sincere. My sister is my soul mate and confidant. She has the quickest wit of anyone I know. My dad captures my attention when he speaks more than anyone. And he understands my passions. They're all so much smarter than I am and I'm in awe over their verbal prowess. These are just some of the things I love about my family.

For weeks before Thanksgiving I spent a lot of time getting organized. I made lists of the rooms I would clean each day. I made more lists for shopping and cooking and preparing. My husband and I dedicated our free time to getting our home ready for our family guests, so we could provide them with a great Thanksgiving weekend. So we scrubbed and we vacuumed and we shopped and we crossed lots of things off lists. The month of November was a whirlwind. I barely remember anything I did. It�s all blurred into one moment of preparation.

I took a lot of time in between these days and hours to look into things for our family to do on our days off together. I printed coupons and directions and pictures of things we could do around town. Everything was kept tightly in my file folder which I carried with me daily.

And then I got sick. My husband took an extra day off work so he could get the rest of the lists completed. Now, mind you, we�re not anal. I repeat, we�re not anal! We just wanted a nice clean home for our family to stay in and we wanted things to be organized and fun. And I�m a list person. What can I say about that�

Being sick truly kept me down for the count. I was so disappointed in myself. Yet still I was determined to keep our plans on track. The family came and we went ice skating and watched the mayor of our town light the city�s Christmas tree. Things were off to a good start. Again, cross it off! We�ve accomplished another plan!

Thanksgiving Day comes and we all go for a long walk. I�m still congested and now the virus is moving into my lungs � a nice cough ensues. But we have our homemade cinnamon rolls and juice and we get the turkey in the oven. Thanksgiving dinner goes well, but I�m exhausted from all the cooking and being sick. I didn�t get any rest that day, scurrying around, checking my list, crossing thing and go straight to the food.

Friday I woke up more exhausted. The men were going golfing so I had to figure out what to do with the others. My sickness clouded my original plans and I became frazzled and worried about what to do. I threw a load of laundry in and as I went to feed the dogs I threw my back out! And with that, out went the rest of the day! My family separated and did their own things, like shopping, and movies, and whatever. I sat at home. Or really, I lay in bed at home, upset that I wasn�t a good host.

Saturday all our family guests went home. I walked back inside after waving my last wave and I got sad looking at my empty house. And the post-holiday syndrome begins. After weeks of planning and running around, most of my plans didn�t come to fruition. I even planned out what I wanted to say during our moment of thanks. I planned on spending time with each family member. And I sulked into a depression that lasted two days because the plans I planned, didn�t happen.

Monday when I woke up to go to work I realized I had just wasted two days feeling sorry for myself instead of feeling grateful for the time I spent with my family. I realized that I had forgotten the meaning of Thanksgiving � to be thankful! To be grateful! And I also realized that this time of year should also be a time of FORgiving � forgiving ourselves for mistakes, forgiving loved ones for not meeting our needs, forgiving people for just being human and most crucially, forgiving OURSELVES for not living up to our own expectations. We can end the year with forgiveness and thanks so the New Year can start fresh and we can feel healthy about what we�ve accomplished and what we�re about to accomplish! And with that thought, my post-holiday syndrome vanished. Just like that! Two days of sorry, one moment of clarity and I�m healthy again!

What it comes down to, what it usually comes down to, is that I just have to let it go. Let go of those lists and embrace spontaneity. Let go of those restricted thoughts that keep me bound in tradition and schedules. I need to open the doors so I can open my mind to new possibilities. So things may not go as planned, but that's okay. If you spend so much time worrying about sticking to a plan you'll forget the whole purpose of the day. So throw those negative thoughts down the garbage disposal with the moldy green bean casserole and mashed potatoes and gravy! Yeah!

Let�s be grateful and thankful for the year we�ve had, and let�s look forward to an amazing 2003.

What's in a Need, That Which We Call a...Wait, What's a Need?
by Sarah Mason

Exactly.   That's a questions I've been asking my whole life.

Every year at Payson Road, we like to do a piece called, "Surviving the Holidays", and since they're quickly approaching, I thought now would be a good time to start facing our fears. Yes, the dysfunctional family fear but more crucially, the tis the season of excess pumpkin pie and fruit cake fear. Actually, the fruit cake is probably the least scary of the holiday accoutrements.   It's the only thing I'd rather throw into the snow than eat.

In the eating disorder world, the holidays, particularly Thanksgiving, are terrifying. We struggle daily with food and then all of a sudden we hit the season that's all about food, food, and more food. The season where we're forced to fly six hours across the country in the middle of the night to get there early enough to run around in 12 degree weather picking up pies and tinsel then drive another two hours to a relative's house where we sit at a table with enough food to feed France and are berated with comments such as, "Dear, you've gained a lot of weight in your neck", "35 may be younger than it used to be but you're still too old to be single", and, "Don't you think it's time for you to get a real job?"

Okay, maybe this is a tad personalized, but you get the point. The holidays can really SUCK. Especially if you're going through a tough time in your life already. We're forced to face the enemy head on in an all out war. That enemy may be ourselves, depending on how philosophical you're feeling or it may simply be Aunt Mary. Yeah, let's pin it on her for now. It's easier that way.

Thanksgiving is particularly symbolic for me. I mark my recovery by this holiday as it was the last time I threw up. So now I see it more as Victory Day. But I can tell you, for years I likened it to storming the beach at Normandy. Here's a day where it's okay for everyone to completely overindulge. For people with eating disorders, it's never okay to do that. That's why we gotta do it in the closet the way we do. It's the only way we can take care of our needs.

Most of my life has been spent taking care of everyone around me and their needs. I don't think I even consciously knew that I had needs. I mean, I had desires and interests but I was never in touch with what they were. Somewhere deep in my subconscious mind I felt them but I was unable to verbalize them or put them on the table. It's all about the guilt. So instead I would take care of everyone else then allow my needs to be met unconsciously which usually meant something self-destructive, the most predominant being the eating disorder.

I could come up with countless examples of this from my adolescence and adulthood. But I want to get to the source. Because it's pretty interesting how early our patterns are formed.

My mother's recent memoir, Life Prints, which I have not read entirely, details what could explain one of the roots of the problem for me. My mother's disabled. She contracted polio at age four and walks with the aide of crutches and braces. I was her third pregnancy and there was a significant gap between the birth of my brother (her second child) and myself. That's her polite way of saying it. I prefer to say it like it is, I was a mistake.

In her book, my mother talks openly about not being prepared for the pregnancy and feeling overwhelmed after I was born. Her relationship with my father was strained. She was 39, tired and scared.   The pregnancy was extremely difficult and she was very ill after giving birth. She was unable to hold me for a month.   She felt totally unprepared and unable to put this child's needs before her own.

What can I say, those are her feelings and I don't want to invalidate them. But wow that hurts! And at the same time it gives me much insight into the dynamics of our relationship, and myself. I've always felt that I overwhelm her. And that's been an incredible burden for me to live with. Her need has been to tie my wings down and paint them duller colors. My need has been to paint them red and fly away. The two needs are in direct conflict so we each respond by diving into our own coping methods - she goes into a place of total anxiety and I go into hiding.

Psychologists say that our patterns are formed from infancy and that a baby will be able to sense trauma and remember it. My mother was unable to hold me securely, so if you believe this theory, I learned from infancy to feel insecure in my mother's arms and/or to feel as though I was too much for her to hold.

Certainly as a small child I was aware of the differences between my mother and other mother's. I had some sort of innate understanding that my mother had greater needs. And I think that I did learn to put my needs last and/or have serious conflict over anything that would demand my mother putting my needs first.

At some point, this learned behavior becomes so automatic that you don't even realize you're doing it.   To counteract, you develop subconscious ways to take care of yourself, silly little things. You probably don't even make the connect.

For example, I'm always late. My mother is always early, by about two hours. She'll be outside in the car waiting for an hour before we even have to take off. Her reasons for doing this are obvious, she's had to overcompensate because everything for her takes longer and is harder to do. She can't control her body so she has a need to control her environment. For me, being late has been one of the only ways I can rebel against her. It's also one way of taking care of myself. I run around and do everything for so many people that the only way I can take something back for myself is to be late. But it's buried so deep in my subconscious that I'm not even aware I'm doing it.

This subconscious means of getting my needs met has translated into many aspects of my life. For example; one of my friends would call up and want to hook up for something, maybe dinner or coffee or possibly I'd bump into them while I was taking a walk and they'd want to join me or go do something together. But I wanted to be alone or I wanted to go work on my script, whatever. Instead of just saying, hey I want to do this....I'd make up some imaginary obligation.
That's how deep the guilt was about expressing what my needs were. I would feel that being honest about what I wanted would make me bad. If I created a responsibility that wasn't about what I wanted, it would be okay because it wouldn't be selfish. And then I wouldn't have to feel guilty.  Inevitably I'd feel worse because I lied which would keep me locked into the black and white extremes - either the ultimate good girl or the ultimate bad girl.

Granted there's a balance between being selfish and taking care of yourself, but come on now, why should I feel guilty because I want to take a walk by myself!?! And the real irony is, I'm sure none of my friends would care if I told them the truth. It's something I inflict upon myself. I've had to work really hard to change this and I'm still working. But I'm learning how to do it differently.

Doing it differently is what recovery is all about. And it's what's gonna help you make it through another holiday season. Trust me on this one.

If this is so ingrained in you as it has been for me in my every day life, magnify it by all the stress and obligations that come with the holidays - YUCK! It's not a shocker that we fear the holidays so intensely.

So how can we do it differently? We can't change other people's behavior. They're gonna do what they're gonna do. But we can change how we react.

It's easy for any of us to say that when we go back into our family system we're forced into their experience and this prevents us from doing what we really want to do. The truth is, we allow ourselves to be a victims. Hell, it's WAY easier then being honest about what our needs are! Then the onus can be placed on someone else. It doesn't really work though. Because this victim status will keep you living in a dark secret world all by yourself.

Our patterns don't change over night but taking even the smallest step in a new direction can make a difference. Being aware of what you're doing could be your first step. Use that for the big day - T Day. Most of us go through life on automatic pilot and don't take the time to stop and get in touch with how we feel. The more you can identify what you're feeling when it's happening, the better chance you'll have of avoiding your patterns.

I'm doing the holidays differently this year. I'm not going home. Maybe next year I'll be at a place where I can go back and stand firm by my needs. But I ain't there yet. And that's okay. Because I'm also not where I used to be. I recognize the wounds I have and I'm making a choice to protect myself.

As hard as it's been for me to accept, back home isn't my home anymore. At least not in the way it was or I want it to be. My family's there and they always will be. But that picture of the perfect home and the perfect Christmas I have in my head don't exist anymore. I can't recreate my childhood or try to fit what was into what is. I can take the memories with me which only build on who I am but in order to grow I've got to build my own home and create a new kind of Christmas for myself. It will be new and not the same but that doesn't mean it won't be good or maybe even better. The cool thing about change is that it opens up the possibility for exciting new things to come.

This year I'm not going to say good luck surviving the holidays. Instead I'll say this, change your experience and it won't be about survival.  Change your agenda, don't have one! Part of the successful scare tactic the holidays have on us is that we've got an image of what they will be like based on an agenda we create then recreate every year. Do it differently. It doesn't have to be the same old routine that you fear. It can be anything you want it to be.

Above all, be good to yourselves. Don't forget that it's not just other people who have the right to overindulge on Thanksgiving, it's you too!

Peace. Out.

I don�t have any answers when it comes to procrastination. I can always find a reason NOT to do something.

I�ve been writing a book for 5 � years now. Early on my excuses for not moving forward with it were getting married, finding a job, working full-time, etc. So much time has gone by, and now my excuses seem to be something like, �there�s too much to do around the house and everywhere else, and once it�s done I�ll feel there�s nothing else to be done so I can work on my book without guilt�. What is that?!?!

I have recently in my adulthood decided not to make New Year�s Resolutions � which means anytime is a good time to make a change, or to move forward. So in my newfound dedication to really get a move on my book, I ask myself, why am I sitting here writing this??!

The plain and simple truth is, I need help! I have to sit back and think about why I don�t move forward with things (I do procrastinate greatly with many other things in my life as well)� I guess I�m severely afraid of failure, of exposing myself to the world, of finishing something and not knowing what to do with myself once it�s done. I mean, if I really do finish, what would I do? I�ve lived with the fact that I�m �writing a book� for so long � what happens when I�m done? Will someone please tell me?

Now, you see, the procrastinator in me would say that I can�t move forward until someone tells me the answer to that silly question. And it is silly, because how could anyone know better than my own self? And I don�t know either. It�s the unknown that creates the biggest fear in me. I�m in my comfort zone when I�m discussing how close I am to being done with my book. (I mean, come on, how happy do you think I am writing this article right now instead of moving forward with the unknown � I�m empowered!)

But here�s the deal, when I think about the Big Picture � how many successful people were in their comfort zones when they decided to set out after their goals? I can�t imagine one person who said, �I love taking risks and failing only to succeed, possibly embarrassing myself along the way�; or, �I love getting rejected and having to fight for, and work on, over and over again, the thing that makes me the most happy in my life��

And that is just it � what makes me the most happy (my writing) makes me the most scared, because I want the end result of my writing to make people happy/satisfied/entertained as well. And if it doesn�t, that scares me!!! But I�m looking beyond the importance of my task, of my hobby. Writing makes me happy. If my book doesn�t get published by Harper & Row or Pendant, oh well, right? I shouldn�t be writing this for anyone else. (And Louise Hay would then say, never say shouldn�t � say won�t. Or put a �if I didn�t want to� at the end of that sentence�)

This article is crazy � what is my point?!?! Only that by procrastinating a little more at least I learned something about myself, and maybe this relates to you in some way� At least this time I focused on why I was procrastinating. And this evening I have a date with my laptop. I�ll let you know how that goes�

I recently returned from a two-week trip to Europe that I had been planning with my husband for what seems to be the entire length of our marriage. We always said we�d go, we�d start to make plans, then something would come up that would make us cancel. This went on for 5 years until I finally just said, enough! It�s now or never.

I convinced my husband of how important the experience would be for him. I had lived in Germany and traveled all over Europe for six months and it was absolutely the most influential experience of my life � I learned so much about myself and it was the best thing that could have happened to me � to be ripped away from your home, your comfort zone, your friends and your family, is something I�d recommend to anyone. But I digress�

We finally made the plans, bought the tickets, and went! After all the talking I had done about my stay there and all the anticipation of going back, I was overwhelmed with anxiety on the flight over. My husband was nervous about flying � he hates flying, actually � and so I felt the pressure to keep him sane for 11 hours. And while I was avoiding him on the flight since I didn�t know how to entertain him, I stared out the window of the plane nervous of how the trip would go. I wanted my husband to feel that same joy I felt when I was discovering new worlds. I wanted him to be excited about learning a new language and about learning new cultures. I ended up silently sobbing on the airplane, right before our first meal, because my anxiety turned into the greatest fear that I would disappoint my husband if it wasn�t all I had said it would be. Somehow, I already knew it wouldn�t be�

We first stayed in Germany in the home of the family I lived with in 1995 � they moved, so I wasn�t able to show my husband my old room or my old path. We had a day to go into Bonn and I immediately wanted to hunt for my old school and my favorite pub and night club... My school was gone. They had moved and I didn�t remember which building they used to be in once we got to the street. My favorite pub had been shut down and was replaced by a German wine bar. The night club I visited every Thursday night changed its format and went to techno (it used to be a live Jazz club). I didn�t know how to handle this. I felt lost in a city that at first sight had felt immediately like home. And my husband knew something was lost inside me.

But I kept my feelings inside, my feelings of great disappointment, because I was still determined to make sure my husband had a great time and felt grateful for going. Three days into the trip, however, he told me he�d be planning our next vacation � to a beach, maybe Hawaii, since it was still in the States. But he was right. He was expecting a glorious time of travel and it just wasn�t going to be like that. He was expecting everything I had told him to expect. I mean, I had been talking about it for five years, how I longed to return to my �second home.� He had every right to feel a little let down. And I was devastated. Still, I kept hiding my fears.

We took a train ride to Amsterdam and stayed in a beautiful hotel overlooking the canals and the Amstel River. Things were starting to look up. We immediately visited a coffee shop where I had gone when I was 20 � and we both felt terribly out of place. I felt so uncomfortable I started to lose my breath. I didn�t say a thing, because this place was the one place my husband said we had to go to. Turns out he was miserable there, too. And we walked, no we ran, back to our hotel. And we had a long, long talk.

We have grown up. What I thought would be the most amazing time was something I could only have had when I was 20. That was then. I see things differently now � that�s inevitable � I�m a different person. What was the time of my life, where I was the kid in a candy store, was just that it WAS. I had to let it go. My husband had. He told me he saw in me my disappointment and he told me I hadn�t let him down. He was so thrilled to be traveling somewhere new with me and that it should be new to me, too. We shouldn�t be trying to relive something that doesn�t fit with who we are NOW.

I was so overwhelmed with relief (and the lump in my throat just reappeared as I write this). And maybe I am not making that much sense at all to you. But my point to sharing this story with you is this: there are times in our lives that we cherish and wish to relive. When we are provided with the opportunity to revisit such moments, we have to understand that they will never happen the same, since we are not the same people. We have different views, different opinions. We are older, wiser, and more mature since it happened. And we have to let it go so we can enjoy a new experience. We have to let it go.

Five days into my trip I was finally able to let that experience go � I held on to it for 7 years because I felt it was mandatory for me to live it again. Seven years! But I was finally able to let it go. And from then on my husband and I had a wonderful time together. We learned so much about each other on that trip, because we knew we were grown up.

I don�t even really want to talk about it. It�s obvious to me that I never really dealt with what happened a year ago. But it is everywhere � the reminder. The reminder that the anniversary of the terrorist attacks which killed over 3,000 people is here.

I�ve been trying to avoid the reminder. I don�t want to deal with the heartache again. Many of the reminders I�ve seen on television or read about in the news seem insincere. This makes me want to avoid it all the more. Sure it sounds like I'm being selfish but in reality I think about the victims and their families all the time. It�s hard not to. Reminders of them pop up randomly all the time, at the bookstore or at the newsstand. But I haven't been able to relate to their pain or allow myself to truly try to feel it. Maybe I've been afraid too because the pain cuts too deep. Not today, today I am trying. So I'll take a deep breath.

I'm proud to be an American. I'm deeply proud of how America has fought to stand tall and keep moving in spite of the major problems she's faced this past year. I hold pride in my heart for the thousands of firemen, police men, volunteers, clergy, etc., who dropped everything to get to Ground Zero and save lives. I am so proud of the victims� friends and families for keeping their memories alive and for setting such an amazing example of strength in the face of adversity. I can only imagine what kind of strength that has taken. While I am not proud of the media for sensationalizing much of these events, I�m choosing to leave those feelings behind and focus on positive ones.

I have struggled with knowing what to do. My husband and I put a flag up at our home and on our cars immediately. People have made fun of that � of putting up the flags as our sole solution for what to do. We did what we could at the moment. We gave money to the funds and we prayed and stayed strong. We will do so again this year.

The most important thing is to do something. And to embrace the memory not avoid it. Be kinder to your neighbors and let things go if only for this one day. Send out light and positive energy - as simplistic as that sounds, it's something. And it does help. We all get so caught up in negative energy. It's anniversary's like this that should remind us to look beyond our own little bubble and remember that we're part of a much bigger picture.

It�s a bitter moment to have to remember that awful day. But I believe it�s necessary for our growth as a country and for our growth as individuals. We won�t be able to avoid it. We live in a country where information and news is in our faces 24-7. Let�s not get angry if someone chooses to remember this day in a way we would never even fathom. Put aside your ego for one day, and remember that the true meaning of this anniversary is so much more. It's the day we woke up as strangers and went to sleep as a family.

This morning I attempted to have a heart to heart with my mom. I wanted to discuss my struggle with my self-esteem. She began the conversation saying she was going back on Weight Watchers because she wanted to lose a few pounds. My mom�s self image was always very important to her and she made that clear to me again this morning. I responded to her with my usual self-derogatory comment, �I need to lose some weight, too. I�ve spent almost my entire twenties overweight.� And her next comment to me? �Well, it must be all that beer you drink.�

What? I was devastated. The beer? I couldn�t believe that�s what my mom thought. I was dumbfounded by her comment and I walked away and didn�t say much to her for the rest of the morning (we were visiting for the weekend and left shortly thereafter). I let that one comment ruin my day. When I discussed this incident with my husband, he said his typical, �f*$k it!� And while that�s not the most sensitive reaction, it got me to thinking. Was what my mom said really that bad? Not really. It was rude, but did it have to ruin my day? She made assumptions of my behavior but she doesn�t know me well enough to make that comment.

This made me think. Why do I allow comments that others make about me take away my power? Comments are mostly untrue, opinionated and coming from a place of their own dysfunction, not mine. So why do I let these unsolicited words wound me so deeply?

When I was in third grade, Sherri Ryder started a rumor that I picked my nose. I was so embarrassed and allowed myself to go immediately into the worst case scenario being that others would believe it. So instead of sticking up for myself, I said nothing and cried. When I was a freshman in high school my �best friend� told another friend that I kissed a senior boy and was therefore a slut. Instead of telling her off I ignored it and even believed it! Her comments haunted me for years. Once when I was a senior a cute guy I went to school with told me my butt was �full.� I ran miles and miles that night.

What does this all mean? Why am I so quick to believe others criticisms? And what does it mean that I still harbor all these silly comments in my memory bank?

While listening to my mother today, something changed. I took notice of how I was reacting. I realized that my first reaction to such comments is always to believe what they say first without thinking about where it's coming from or the validity. After I realized my husband was right when he told me to just screw it, I came up with a thousand things to say to my mom. But why couldn't I come up with them at the time of the, "attack". Why am I so quick to believe the worst about me?

My point of this little story? I feel strongly that while we should be conscious of those around us and respect each other enough to listen to their opinions, we must not see our own reflection through the eyes of others. Whether it be from their words or action, or lack of action. We are the only ones who have the power to feed our self-esteem. We do not need to be validated by other people. If we place our self-esteem in the hands of other people, we will always be disappointed.

With the start of a new school year, it's the perfect time to take on a brand new approach to that ol' peer pressure. Change your mind! It's as simple as that. Remember who you are, and believe in who you are. Stay in your power. Because bottom line � no one believes in you more than you.

I gasped at my discovery today. I couldn�t believe I�ve allowed myself to be validated by others for so long. But it's a liberating feeling to finally let it go. So now when I hear comments like, �Eating for two, dear?� or �You haven�t completely lost your looks�, I�ll just say, F@&K IT!

The world is still reeling from September 11. How could we not be? The world has changed drastically since then. As far as traveling goes, I can only imagine how most people feel, and that most people are staying close to home or are taking road trips this summer.

It took a lot of convincing before my husband agreed to take a trip to Europe with me this September. He�s still hesitant to leave the continental U.S., and studies on the news have only proven his apprehension � sales on RVs and campers have gone up, while ticket sales for foreign air travel have gone down. And so much more�

I have to admit that at first I had my own hesitation. I mean, it�s easier to stay home. I don�t have to worry about packing or flying or standing in lines or getting bumped from a flight or anything. I can sleep and read and be comfortable in my own surroundings. But that was my only hesitation � I didn�t want to leave my comfort zone.

I�m confident to get on a plane and even more confident to find my way around foreign countries. I�m not afraid of strangers and I�m not too shy to try and speak in their language. While my husband is a very confident and strong person, he has trust issues and a fear of flying. So where do I begin, to make him feel at ease? What would I tell myself, to make me feel at ease in a situation like this?

First, confidence is key. Be proud of yourself for getting to your destination, place by place. Be grateful for getting to the airport on time and for having the patience to go through airport screening. Be calm as you get on the plane and find your seat and be excited about the beverage service and the movies they�ll show. Walk tall as you exit the plane and the airport and go straight to your next destination, whether that be a taxi or a shuttle or the train station. Walk tall while you�re out touring around � keep your head out of the maps as much as possible and don�t be afraid to ask questions of the people around you. The greatest advice I was ever given was, while you�re in a non-English speaking country, learn how to ask �Do you speak English� in their language. If you want to ask something, ask first in their language that one simple question. You�ll be surprised how many people speak English across the world, and you�ll be even more surprised at how impressed people are with your respectful address.

Get curious � be excited to learn! Get to know where your plane is going, exactly, and follow a map by time. Learn about the cities where you�re visiting and learn about the people and the cultures. Learn the basics of the language in the countries you are visiting. I promised to teach my husband German before our trip, so he can order a beer and a bratwurst with ease. Keep your eyes open for surprises around every corner. So much to see and do, there is beauty in everything new!

And as I write these tips I already feel better about going, and I hope that my husband will feel better as our departure date nears. Seeing the world is an amazing experience that everyone should take advantage of if they get the chance. Go for it! I learned so much about myself by traveling abroad. I learned humility in a world of different people and cultures. I learned how to communicate without barely speaking. I learned how to navigate and discover new places with confidence. And I learned a whole new level of humanity. This, I hope more than anything, is what my husband will get out of our trip. A chance to learn and see a new world and gain a new perspective on life � it would be invaluable for the both of us, again and again.

What is going on with some of the nation�s biggest tech and communications companies? Seems like everyday we�re hearing about another big company going down for faulty accounting issues� We saw Enron collapse due to major financial fraud. Then recently cable giant Adelphia�s CEO, his two sons (former executives at Adelphia) along with other major players in the company were indicted for using billions of the company�s dollars as their own personal piggy banks. Just yesterday we heard that AOL Time Warner posted some of its own accounting mishaps! What in the world? And then there�s WorldCom�

The nation's second largest telecom company said on June 25 that it hid $3.85 billion in expenses, allowing it to post net income of $1.38 billion in 2001, instead of a loss. The company fired its CFO Scott Sullivan and on June 28 began cutting 17,000 jobs, over 20 percent of its work force.

CEO Bernie Ebbers resigned in April amid questions about millions of dollars in personal loans he received from the company to cover losses he incurred in buying its shares. Federal investigators are examining whether Ebbers, the colorful Canadian who built WorldCom into one of the world's biggest telecom providers through an aggressive string of acquisitions, had a hand in the accounting fraud.

I recently researched their website, looking for their public relation attempts to dig themselves out of this hole they are so deeply in. Well, it seems they had a whole section dedicated to the cause, complete with a letter from the new CEO, John Sidgmore. The added photo would have been a nice touch, if his expression in said photo wasn�t one that looked as though he got caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

There are several press releases and official statements, as well as a summary of an online question/answer session with the CEO. The question/answer session could have been a wonderful public relations tool. It makes the CEO accessible, shows they care about the shareholders, and gives the impression of nothing to hide. That is until you actually read the summary. He evades questions better than the most weathered of politicians. I almost feel for him though, because given their current situation, you wonder how he could possibly tell the truth anyway. When asked about why only 3 people knew of a $4B loss, he maintains that it came as a complete shock to the board members. He has a very hard time answering questions, and the only thing that was possibly an aide to this, is that he was able to type answers, vs. being put on the hot seat live. Also, one wonders if it was actually he that scribed the online answers anyway.

WorldCom saw the fall of Enron, and decided to beat the SEC to the punch, and announce the �accounting irregularities� found by their internal auditors. The method is to be applauded, its just I don�t think it was as effective as they had hoped. With all of the recent �accounting irregularity� scandals, it is irrelevant who discovered them. Frankly, I don�t believe for a second that the SEC wasn�t hot on the trail anyway. The CEO, mentions in nearly every written speech, or release that he is the new CEO of a couple of months, that they are committed to punishing the �wrongdoers� (is this anything like evildoers?), and that the company is in good financial health. What he is missing is that most people find it hard to believe that none of the higher-ups knew anything about this. So instead of listening to what he says, I find myself asking if he thinks we are all complete idiots.

Secondly, Sidgmore�s reiteration of his recent position makes it sound as though he is new to the company, and just cleaning up someone else�s mess, in fact he says, �I cannot change the past�� If you do not typically follow WorldCom, you may not know that he in fact has been with them for the last six years. He held the COO (Chief Operating Officer) position for 2 years, and has been a board member, and played a key role in acquisitions during that time. Immediately I felt lied to. Did Sidgmore lie? Well, no, not technically. Technically he has been the CEO for two months, but lies by omission are just as bad when caught, at least from a public relations standpoint.

I don�t know that WorldCom will be able to pull its self out of the public relations hell it is in, to speak nothing of the financial hell. These �accounting irregularities� wreck havoc on innocent shareholder�s who are trying to save money for their retirement. It is difficult to get the picture of the little old man-that had a safe retirement only two months ago, but is now worried about how he will pay his bills-out of my head.

I recently was discussing a settlement I will receive and that I plan to invest a portion of it, and every single person at the table said (at once), �In What??� That is a sad statement on consumer confidence � a confidence only a public relations genius can rebuild.

I recently had one of the biggest breakthroughs of my recovery, and it had nothing to do with purging. It was of a financial sort. I have been in and out of debt since I was offered my first credit card at eighteen.

Allow me to jump on my soapbox for a minute here. I think it is beyond reprehensible for these credit card companies to prey after young students, barely out of high school! At that young age, you really have no idea the damage you can do with a measly $1000 credit line. I remember my sister giving me The Talk�no, not that one, the Financial Talk. You know the one, be responsible, pay off the bill every month, don�t charge more than you can afford. And of course I knew that would never happen to me. But seriously, what�s the point of charging if you could pay for it with cash?

In one year flat I charged up 3K in debt. I had to be bailed out by a family friend. By the next year I was another 3K in debt and had to join a credit-counseling firm to help clean up my mess. Even after all of that I didn�t really get the point. And by now I wasn�t able to get credit cards - that's one of the rules of the credit-counseling program. I really thought I had learned my lesson. Alas, I hadn�t.

During this time I was a live-in nanny. I had virtually no overhead costs yet still I was constantly broke. When I finally moved out on my own, I was always late with my bills. I had several tickets, that were once only $75 but through sheer neglect ended up being hundreds of dollars each. I also had old cell phone bills that went unpaid. Doctor�s visits that weren�t covered by insurance (probably because I didn�t send the insurance payment on time) went from a simple $50 office visit, to $200 with interest. And lets not even talk about the late fees on every movie I ever rented.

The worst of my offenses were three bounced check fees. They were all written to the same store in the same weekend and totaled less than $30 collectively. I forgot to put the money in the bank and subsequently they bounced. The company sent me a letter saying to pay it or they would take legal action. Despite the warning, I continue to put off paying the bill. What kills me is its not like I didn�t have the money to just pay them. Eventually I did get a notice from the DA saying that I was now required to pay $383 total and attend a mandatory bad check seminar. I mean, come on, me? I am not one of those people that writes bad checks. But then again, I guess I was! So off to the class I went.

It was really an eye opener. I had already begun my recovery but the money lesson was a slow one to be learned. This is not an easy story for me to tell. I mean, who wants to admit that they have debt and don�t know how to manage it their money? But I gotta believe I am not the only one. So I'll continue with the hopes that my financial humbling may help some of you wise up before it's too late.

In January of this year, I made some goals for myself. Not resolutions, let�s make no mistake about that, just goals. One of them was to get my financial situation under control. I made a list of every debt and every monthly expense I had. I got a second job and worked my butt off for nearly six months. I slowly paid off my debts, not all of them, but a lot of them. I also, mostly for lack of time, quit shopping and eating out. It started to feel better to pay off a debt than to buy something new.

I started to make the connections between my ED and my debt. And in talking to other people who had addictions, whether they were Eds, drugs, alcohol, gambling, there were some common factors relating to debt. Many of the people I spoke with said they remembered using shopping as a means of coping in the recent months after they began recovery. They also said they found themselves not paying bills, or calling to make payment arrangements even when they had the money to pay them.

The connection between shopping/purging---here is my theory. I think that any addiction, whether it is shopping/drugs/ED/gambling are all about the same things--not connecting with yourself. Not dealing with the issues you have. Not knowing how to change it for yourself. So instead you choose a vice and run with it. You numb yourself with the high of the drug, the win, the great find in the store that you just got half price. Forget that you still couldn't afford the $200 (or thousand) dollars you just spent for the dress of your dreams. Or that the money you used to win at blackjack was your rent money and now you are betting the win and will more than likely not leave until you have lost that too.

But here's the thing. When you get in debt, or you are a drug addict trying to score, or the bulimic looking for your next binge you can obsess about that instead of the real issues in your life. You don't have to ask yourself the tough questions like, "What makes me feel good? What are my dreams? What changes can I make? Why do I feel sad/mad/glad?" And in the course of that you dig yourself deeper into the pit until it feels hopeless and you think there is no way to get out. But there is, there always is.

Recently I was awarded a settlement. I thought it best to meet with a financial advisor prior to receiving the money. So my plan was to pay off the rest of my debt and my car and then invest the remaining money. Initially I was going to wait until I had gotten the money and paid everything off before making an appointment with a financial advisor.

Honestly I was a little worried--because I am definitely a shopper--if you can't puke, right??!--Ok, ok, not funny. But I do think that in many ways my shopping was just another way of avoiding my issues. So along comes a lump sum and naturally I was scared that the lessons I have learned in the last six months would fly out the window. So one of the things I did was to tell my friend about my plan to pay off debt. Tthat way I would have a checkpoint if I decided to get crazy and buy the farm, you know?

The financial advisor and I worked on a plan. We talked about how kids learn their relationship to money from their parents and that is certainly evident in my family. Not one person has even an ounceof sense when it comes to money. We all spend it as fast as we get it. The advisor told me that I need to make priorities and decide my commitment level to changing my relationship with money, Otherwise I will pass along the same skills to my children. Somebody's gotta break that cycle, right?!

So I am feeling really good about where I am at right now with my decisions. I finally feel like I have worked hard to save myself and pay off my own debts. It was finally the lesson I needed to learn. I am a firm believer that you keep repeating the mistakes of your past, if you don't learn the intended lesson. Hopefully I will keep this one with me. But I gotta take the actions associated with the idea to make it work.

I remember my friend Jen telling me that worrying about money was a waste of time. I needed to let go and have faith that it would work out. It didn't make sense to me - was God going to swoop down and take my debt away? Jen said that faith without action is dead. And I am finally seeing the truth in that. I didn't just say I had faith and it would take care of itself. I let go and allowed myself to be open to doing the things I needed to do. Like work that second job, like quit ignoring my bills (thinking they will go away), like quit buying shit to fill a void, and figuring out what that void is about. That probably helped more than anything else because it left more money in my bank account and less baggage in my head.

Diary of a Headhunter...or
What Kind of Bunk Would a Job Seeker Chuck if a Job Seeker Could Chuck Bunk?
by Leslie Freeman

Sometimes I sit and my desk and wonder, �What the hell rock did these yahoos climb out from under?� Let's see...Tattoos, too much makeup, not enough clothes (cleavage anyone?), gum smacking, high-school education, pierced everything and on top of that, they want a starting salary of $40,000 a year - smack outta college, no experience or NADA! Yep, that�s the new Generation of employees. And I meet the best of them working as a Staffing Consultant - Headhunter to keep it real.

That isn�t to say that everyone who walks through my door is job seeking challenged. We certainly have our fair share of professionals who come in to the office dressed to impress with their completed, edited resume and cover letter. There are people who are hard workers and know the proper interview techniques, such as no gum-smacking, turning the cell phone off, and actually looking at me when I ask a question. It�s just the one�s who don�t have a clue that are funnier (or pathetic depending on the way you look at things). For instance, let me tell ya about the one who�

The Smelly Man�oh yeah, that is what we call him. This man had the worst breath I have ever smelled. Seriously, it pained me to talk to him because I had to breathe the same air. I know this sounds mean, but I gotta tell you, this was more than just having onions on your burger at lunch. Our lobby smelled of him, even after he left. Quite possibly it was gum disease or something that couldn�t be helped simply with mouthwash, but I can�t believe he didn�t realize it. A trip to the dentist is definitely in order! That was one of my quickest interviews.

San Quentin Man�Yes, you heard me right! He had just been paroled that week. Well, this area gets touchy, because for bonding purposes, we always have to ask what the conviction was for. We are unable to hire anyone who has committed a dishonest crime (such as theft, fraud or embezzlement). No worries though, he wasn't a thief, he was a convicted murder! Now tell me how you keep a straight face with that one?! It�s such a fine line, legally speaking, about who you can hire or not�but come on, how can you get excited about someone just out of San Quentin. I certainly wouldn�t want to be the one to end his assignment.

Brown-toothed girl�This girl had a lot of computer skills, very nice, perfect phone voice, decent experience, but when she had a dark brown front tooth. It wasn�t just a little tarter. The tooth was dead. I felt really bad for her because I couldn�t send her to a client that required someone professional. Not simply because of her tooth, but because her clothes weren�t professional either. This is where it becomes difficult to be politically correct. On the one hand I feel like it is my responsibility to be honest with them. And usually it is helpful but it�s a rough territory to get into when you start critiquing someone�s appearance.

Life Story Woman�actually, this could be a few different people I have interviewed. However, the one that stands out the most was a lady I interviewed about a year ago. She was a little older. She began by telling me her age (lawsuit anyone?) and proceeded to tell me all about her 30 years of marriage, including the sex, (I kid you not), I sat there dumbfounded as she told me about the sexual problems that occur as you get older. Good lord�is nothing sacred?! Perhaps I've missed my calling as--calling Dr. Leslie sex radio talk show host advice giver extraordinaire! At least, that's who she apparently thought I was.

I could go on forever about the crazy interviews and associates I have experienced. Instead I will give you a few pointers next time you find yourself in need of a job.

1. First of all, a staffing service is not the welfare department. Do not bring your children, your spouse, or your cousin�s sister�s mom with you to the interview.

2. Staffing services are a great way to be introduced to major companies in your area. We work with the largest companies in the area, and most of them strictly hire from services, meaning you won�t get far just dropping off your resume at the company itself

3. That said, when you come into my office, be professional. You may not work under my direct supervision, but it is always my impression of you that determines whether I send you to a client. If you don�t impress me, you won�t get further than our front door.

4. Finally, turn your cell phone, and pager, off, don�t use slang when speaking, clean your nails and take out the facial piercing.

It�s a tough market out there right now. It�s important to put your best foot forward if you want to land that job of your dreams (or the one that pays the bills while you pursue those dreams). Even at McDonald�s they want to know what your 5 year plan is. Just use a little common sense.

I took a lot of time this morning to reflect upon what it means to me to have freedom. I think this year more than ever in my life, celebrating Independence Day has significant meaning. Here is what I�ve come up with, and I hope you can relate, or at least begin to think about what your independence means to you:

I am blessed to be free and to be living in America. I will be grateful for everything I have and will even bless the taxes I pay due to the significance they provide me in my life. When I see the American flag waving around the country these days, and when I see those fireworks burst on Thursday, I will know what it means to be alive in this world today in the United States and I will stand proud in my freedom.

As time progresses and things change I realize how much I have to adjust my �self� to survive. Sometimes the adjustments go unnoticeable, sometimes they are overwhelmingly apparent and difficult. There are times when I don�t want to change, where I just want to sleep until the changes pass and I can wake up having not been affected. That�s healthy, right? No way.

We always have to face forward in life. Holding onto past habits and memories too strongly has proven us all to be hazardous to our health. And we�re always told to let go. And that has to be one of the most difficult things anyone of us can do.

I recently moved to a new town in a new state and I don�t know anyone here. I have been unemployed for two months and my husband started his job up here a week after we moved in. Putting this all together, it basically means I�ve been alone in my new home in this new town for over 50 hours a week, for two months. This has not been easy. It was hard for me to know who I was up here. Was I the same girl I was back in L.A.? I couldn�t be, since I wasn�t there, and my life was completely different there. I�m not working, I don�t have a routine, I don�t know who to see or where to go to run errands. Everything is new.

In the beginning, I tried holding onto past habits to keep me in the familiar, but I kept finding myself out of place and wasting time with that. I was afraid to go out and explore and meet new people. I was frightened to have to adjust to all these changes and was even more frightened to discover that there can still be a new me amidst such changes. While I wasn�t comfortable with myself completely when I was living in L.A., I had gotten used to that lifestyle.

So back to my original point in facing forward� Every day I wake up and wander around my empty house. I could go back to sleep for a few more hours so I only had a few hours alone, but then my days would go by even quicker. Instead I�ve chosen to write more and go for walks and do chores and cook and paint and be the person I�ve always wanted to be in my mind. The moment I did this, things started looking up.

On the opposite end of this spectrum, what do we do when we�re lost in the middle of chaos? What if we�re presented with so many changes at once and so little time to reflect that we completely forget about ourselves? We don�t have time to sleep, and our systems and schedules have become so automated that weeks go by before we realize what day it is. So are we supposed to turn around and face back, so we can reflect upon what just happened? I don�t think so�

We have to keep facing forward in times of chaos. Looking back will only bring possible regret and make us even harder on ourselves for what might have been or what we should have done. Instead we face forward but we slow down. We can dedicate hours per week to keep our �selves� moving forward.

I know that as soon as I get a full time job my life will resume its craziness and I will not be able to do as much painting and cooking and everything else. I am dedicated to enjoying my time off from work and will continue to move forward with my self-construction. And when the time comes for me to do twenty things at once again, I will remember that I wrote this and remember that we can all face forward and breathe and hold on to each moment with gratefulness.

Keeping healthy means finding thankfulness. I am constantly battling with myself and am terribly hard on myself for not being grateful for everything I have. That gives me headaches and backaches and is exhausting. Look around � don�t look back � what do you see? Where are you in life? It�s good enough. It�s probably better than you could have ever thought.

I wish I could say, what is the deal with all these crazy reality shows? I mean, I think they�re crazy, but the thing is, I watch them! I�m hooked on many of them! Do any of you watch The Learning Channel (TLC)? They have a ton of reality programs on all day, from A Makeover Story (my fave) to A Baby Story to Trading Spaces (another fave). I can�t get enough of these shows! I cry when I watch them sometimes! What is up with that?

Really � what IS up with that? Why is America, and the world, so hooked on these reality based programs? Sure, they may not seem completely real, but these shows have contestants and guests who are real people (usually) and are not characters who have been written up by someone�s imagination. So we can relate more to these people who we think are real. We can identify more with these folks, because there is immediately more emotional attachment to them. We know they go home and they�re the same people. They�re not celebrities (usually).

So what�s the attraction? Maybe famed and seasoned television producer Steven Bochco summed it up best when he said, �[Reality shows are] a great democratic experiment. It's like a huge, sophisticated Internet, where all these voices that we haven't heard before are getting a hearing.�

Look at the show The Osbournes, for example. This has become a HUGE hit! And it�s simply a show about the family of Ozzy Osbourne! The cameras follow them around while they cuss and complain and live their life. It�s totally hilarious at times and totally addicting to see what they�re going to do and say next! We�re getting to know people we would probably never meet in our ordinary lives. And these are unusual if not extra-ordinary people.

I am constantly shocked at myself and the world for tuning in to such programs. They�re about nothing, just people. A simple concept. And we�re all hooked. This Summer tons of new shows are coming out for people to watch and participate in. Will you watch? Here are my thoughts on some of these new shows:

So what�s in store for us in the future? Will we continually be bombarded with reality programming? Will people we never would have met continually become 15 minute celebrities with something to say? Norman Mailer says, �I'm not opposed to reality programming ipso facto. Out of the crucible of improvisation, great things can emerge. It just depends on who's in charge.�

Happy Birthday Payson Road! On June 2, Payson Road turns two, and I couldn't be happier to be a part of such a terrific organization. This made me a bit nostalgic, I decided to pay homage to my time at Payson Road.

I was recently going through my files, and came across one entitled, ED info, and when I opened it, what was I to find? About fifty printed pages of the Payson Road Post-It section, dated September 12, 2000. Story after story of people just like me, who struggled in their battle against their ED, against their self. Additionally, there were pages and pages of Payson Road, the Resources, the Corner, the Catch, Gigs and Stuff, and Why I care, (Sarah Mason's story). I couldn't get enough of the site. I finally found a place where I felt comfortable.

As I dug through the site, I found both resources and entertainment. There was an article on the Corner, something about a biscotti or two million bucks, it was an article on how to better manage your money. . I laughed out loud because I could totally relate to "Christine", who thought her everyday latte and biscotti were more important than saving for her future. I thought, "What is this article doing on a website about Eating Disorders?" And herein lies the truth about Payson Road. It's not just a website about Eating Disorders. It's a website that removes you from Eating Disorder so you can focus on recovery from it. I found my creative side here at Payson Road. I found my solution (not to mention my salvation).

What made me laugh about this file of papers I discovered, was that it seemed to me that I has printed out every page of Payson Road that particular day. I was so excited to have found an answer. It's as though I was afraid it wouldn't be here when I came back, so I needed the black and white of it to prove I wasn't really alone.

Well, I am happy to say, two years later I keep coming back and Payson Road keeps being here. Thank you Sarah, for giving us all such a safe, creative place to find ourselves.

The last thing I ever thought I'd do was become involved with an on-line recovery site. That was nowhere in my dreams. After many years of living, I found myself continually feeling unfulfilled even after achieving some success. The main reason for this sense of frustration was the fact that I dealt with bulimia for most of my teens and adulthood. This was a huge part of my life, and the disease prevented me from fulfilling my potential and kept me in a virtual prison for many, many years.

Almost two years ago, I discovered Payson Road. Since then, I have learned so much about myself. I've fought the demon and today am happily achieving goals in my life that I always thought were reserved for someone else. So to celebrate Payson Road's birthday - Thank you Payson Road for helping me realize that I have the power to choose how I interpret every aspect of my life based on how I perceive each moment; through love or fear. You have helped me find hope, healing, and happiness through learning how to listen to my inner voice of love.

Eighteen months ago I sat at my computer, alone. With pale, almost translucent skin, broken blood vessels in my face, sharp pains in my side, a single tear down my cheek, and the most wicked thoughts inside my head, I found an organization that would forever change my life. After six years with a diagnosable eating disorder, ten years of disordered eating, and fifteen years of self-injurious behaviors, I didn't realize that I was about to become a part of a family that was so supportive and full of unconditional love. I didn't believe such a family existed, and I certainly didn't believe that I was worthy of being a part of it. Payson Road where would I be without you?

There have been times when I cursed the day I found Payson Road and cursed the advice given to me. There was even a time that I left Payson Road because I felt as though I wasn't worthy of being part of such an incredible place. I felt like I had failed at having an eating disorder and failed at recovering from one. In truth, I wasn't ready to accept the severity of my eating disorder and I certainly wasn't ready to admit it to others. Scared and finally starting to realize the danger of the life I was leading, I hesitantly returned to Payson Road.

Much to my surprise, I was welcomed with open arms. Since then, Payson Road has helped me find my inner truth and learn to respect my thoughts, feelings, and above all my body. Payson Road has helped to rid me of my victim mentality and to see that recovery is a choice and one that I alone must make. It has allowed me to explore talents that I never knew existed. Payson Road has shown me that I, too, am worthy of a life filled with love, happiness, and health.

Thank you Payson Road for helping me to realize all that a life with an eating disorder has denied me. Thank you Sarah, for dreaming of a safe place for those wanting to recover from their eating disorders and providing us with the tools to begin the process.

- Mindy Silbergleid

I first came to Payson Road over a year and a half ago. I was at college, away from all forms of support, and suffering from bulimia. When I first came I had no intentions of recovering, at least not that I knew about. I was miserable and didn't want to live with my eating disorder, but had no idea how not to, as I wasn't anything but the space I occupied, which of course was just too much space, so I had to slim down!

That was a year and a half ago. Since my very start at Payson Road I have received the love and support from so many amazing people that I needed to "recover." I've also realized that I will never be recovered, nor honestly do I think I would want to be. This is a daily struggle not to give in to my eating disorder, but also a truly great struggle. No longer am I focusing purely on the physical aspects of my life, of not purging, not binging, not basing myself on the size pants I'm wearing today, rather I've figured out I'm more than just those silly pants, I'm me. And I get to realize that I'm me each day, by constantly having to state that and believe that, because if I don't, my eating disorder will just start to rage out of control, yet again.

Kris wrote a wonderful story for the Corner a while back called 'Goodbye Skinny Pants!' Confession time, I still have my skinny pants from gosh knows how long ago. I still look at them every once in a while when I have the guts to face my closet, hoping that I wont be lost forever in an avalanche of clothes. Its amazing how much something so simple and downright stupid can make you feel. But the feeling is just a quick glimmer and such a wonderful thing for me to feel. Because it makes me realize how far I've come. No longer am I the size pants I'm wearing.

I credit myself with the progress I've made, because I know its me who did the work, but it was work I could never have done without Payson Road. In fact, even if I had ever done it without Payson Road, I would never have been able to give myself the credit for it. I have learned so much from PR and the people associated with it. I could never thank everyone who has helped me as much as they deserve, there isn't enough time in the world to do it. The reality is, though, that I don't need to thank all of these people.

PR is a forum that allows everyone to offer suggestions to one another, to vent about daily life, to look for recovery, to look for ones own self. Helping people and being able to receive help is what PR is about. We don't need to run around thanking everyone that is here, because whether you're giving the help or receiving it, you're getting the same amount of positive energy, so to speak, out of it. (Ok, I know what I said, but I've still got to say, thank you everyone, you've all meant and mean the world to me.)

The place that I've reached now is such an amazing place, one I never would have imagined possible for myself, sitting in front of that computer screen a year and a half ago, trying to figure out what the heck a "Payson Road" was and what it had to do with bulimia. While I did state earlier that I do credit myself with all of my achievements, PR does play a very large role in where I am. Its given me the tools and resources to figure out who the heck I am and to start having respect for that person. I was telling Sarah quite a while ago about how much I love PR and how much its meant to me and stated that I would never be here without it. And being Sarah, she of course said that it was me who did the work, not PR, so it was me who deserves all the credit. I wanted to argue back of course! Who was she to say what I had or hadn't done?! I knew myself better than she did, and if I said it was PR that did it for me, than gosh darnit it was PR that did it for me!

Yes, well I hate to admit that I'm wrong, so I'm not going to. Rather Ill just pretend that I've always agreed with Sarah and therefore have always known it was myself that did the work, with PR just giving me the tools I needed.

I suppose now is the time to wish this "Payson Road" thing, that actually does have something to do with bulimia, a happy birthday. More importantly though, its time to thank Sarah for putting in huge amounts of time and energy into the first organization that actually addresses ways to heal the true causal factors of bulimia, instead of just putting a band aid over the physical signs of it. So thank you Sarah, you've been an amazing inspiration and support.

Today was the first sunny day that we have had in NY in a few days. Unfortunately, I was home sick and grumpy with the Flu. I slept for most of the day but was woken up in the middle of the afternoon by horrific yells coming from outside. I came out of my NyQuil induced coma and went to the window to see what was going on. What could possibly be making those sounds? I was surprised to find that the source of this noise was seven or eight little kids playing freeze tag. I shut my window, plopped back down on my couch and thought �Geez, where are their parents?�

Then it hit me. OH MY GOD! It�s happened. I have turned into the �cranky neighbor�, the one that we all hated and feared as children. Granted, my illness was contributing to my lack of tolerance, but I was seriously annoyed by the sounds of kids enjoying their childhood. What is wrong with me? Have I forgotten what it is like to be a carefree child enjoying the last couple of hours of daylight? I guess that I have. I certainly wasn�t always like this. I try to sort through all of my responsibilities and find my way back to my own childhood.

When I was a little girl I could play for hours in magical lands with magical beings. One day it might be in a mystical forest with enchanted creatures. The next it might be a far away tower in an ancient castle. For hours at a time I could live these wonderful dreams and not once would I notice that the forest was really my background or the tower my attic. My imagination could lead me to far off places that had no limits each and every day. These fantasies would only come to an end when I heard The Witch (Mom) call �Girls, it�s time to come in for dinner.�

All through elementary school I could go to these fantasy worlds whenever I needed to. When I would read a book, I had the ability to get so wrapped up in the stories that I could see the fictional characters and places in my mind. Whenever I needed an escape from my hectic nine-year old life, I could just pick up a book or write a story and I would travel to another place and time. All the children I knew had the same ability and my summers were spent in lands all over the world, even when I never left Long Island.

So, what happened to that little girl and when did I stop believing in make-believe? I guess it happened at the start of my adolescence. I stopped thinking about having fun and I began to worry about looking �cool�. Slowly, but surely, I packed up my dolls and costumes because they were for �babies.� I stopped running through the waves at the beach and worried more about how I looked in my bathing suit. I pushed my imagination to the side because I didn�t have time for little kid games anymore. I had bigger things to worry about in Junior High. Things such as whether or not my skin would clear up before Friday and what I would wear tomorrow. Summers came and went and the little girl inside of me got pushed farther and farther away as I began to think about what I should do instead of what I wanted to do. Even my fantasies began to be have limitations because of my reality.

As I grew older, my adult voice of reason had also grown. It grew louder and louder and quieted the childlike urges that came up from time to time. My summers began to pass even quicker once I was out of college and didn�t have those 12 weeks to do �nothing�. My summer vacation now consists of potentially taking a week off from work to go to the Hamptons. Sure, it would be nice to go visit a faraway country but I don't have the vacation time right. Maybe next summer. I keep saying that I just don�t have the time and I continue to let my summers pass without much thought. Why? Because that is what adults do.

In my adult life there is very little room for fantasy. My adult life is so busy and full of responsibilities that I can�t even escape the stress in my mind, much less in reality. Don't get me wrong, I am happy with the way that my life is. I am in a wonderful relationship, I am happy with my job and we live in a great little cottage with two cats that I adore. But even I must admit, it is not the life I had dreamed of as a child. I�m sure most children would look at my life and think that it is dreadfully boring. Perhaps I have just accepted my life the way that it is because this is an adult life. But, it doesn�t have to be. Being and adult shouldn�t have to equal being boring. Last weekend I was watching my little brother and I realized that my time with him is the only time that I can just �play�.

We were playing a game where I was the prisoner and he was the king when my cell phone rang. I tried to find my way out of the pillow fortress that he had built when he yelled at me. �Oh no! Prisoners don�t have cell phones! Guards!� He called to the imaginary people in the next room. �Capture her bag! I think that she is trying to give people our evil secrets over her magic phone.� I started laughing and then said, �Ok, I guess you�re right. I�m sorry.�

For two seconds though, I did catch a glimpse of the imagination that I had squashed so long ago. I saw it in my six-year-old brother and I truly envied him. I can accept that I can never go back, but there must be some way to visit every once in a while.

So, what can I do to find that child inside of me who is full of make-believe? I think that the answer might be easier than I realize. I just need to let her play. We all need to take the time and just play every once in a while. Summer is just around the corner and what better time is there to do this? Go to a playground and swing on the swings. Or take a trip to the beach and work on a sand castle instead of your tan.

If you need some help, one of the best ways to get back in touch with your imagination is to let a child guide you. In a few minutes they can help you find those fantasy worlds that you once knew. Give yourself just a little time to really play and not be a grown-up for just a bit. Come on�I double dog dare you.

If you want some more help on how to play...in the sun...check out Jodi Beuder's article this week on the Weekly Catch.

April 2002

That Spring Thing Series

Part 1: Spring Cleaning
Part 2: Root Root Root for the Home Team
Part 3: Wings of Spring

April 15, 2002

Wings of Spring
by Sarah Mason

The butterfly is a symbol of transformation - the lowly caterpillar enters into its chrysalis and is reborn as an iridescent butterfly. Their graceful flight and brilliant colors create feelings of tranquility, harmony and inspiration.

Found nearly everywhere on our planet, butterflies have been blessed as the Wings of Spring.*

I stumbled upon this website when I was searching images of butterflies. If you haven't noticed, it's kind of a theme around here. And I thought that was a perfect thought especially for this week.

This Saturday, April 20, 2002 the first ever National Candlelight Vigil for Eating Disorders will be held in Washington DC. Payson Road is attending the event and will participate in the Vigil and the display tables.

So, I was gathering information for our table. Just trying to put it all together in my mind - what is Payson Road all about? Who are we? What do we stand for? What does that damn butterfly represent anyhow???

And I realized how perfect it was that we had chosen to celebrate Spring right at the convergence of this historical event.

The Payson Road Butterfly represents so much for so many of us. For myself, it represents not only the transformation of this website from a sole personal story to an abundant and creative resource outlet for recovery and awareness of eating disorders. It also marks my transformation from self-imposed victim to self-imposed adventurer, survivor, creator.

I have literally spread my wings. But it didn't happen overnight. I went through the many stages, similar to that a butterfly undergoes - egg, larvae, pupa and adulthood.

When my eating disorder began I entered a new period in my life. I was literally born into a new stage. Cocooned, not knowing what my point was. I just knew I was stuck Then I moved into a new stage where I began to grow in age, and my eating disorder took on a growth of its own. It developed into something that was beyond who I was and I experienced many growing pains trying to adjust to it all. Eventually I moved into a new stage where I realized I needed to let go of the cocoon I was clinging to and take a step toward flight. But wasn't quite able to make it there yet. Finally, the change happened and I was set free, able to fly and truly spread my wings.

What makes me smile the most about Spring is that I realize now that there is flight at the end of these stages, for everyone. Spring is a rebirth. A renewal of sorts and an opportunity to embrace new directions in life. Which is why we here at Payson Road are so fond of our favorite mascot, the Butterfly. Because it reminds us that we do have wings.

Please join us this weekend in celebrating the Butterfly and the meaning it has to Payson Road. And share with us the meaning it has for you, thecorner@paysonroad.com

Show your solidarity, wear your butterflies proudly!

For more information on the Candlelight Vigil in Washington DC, please visit our events page.

*from the Wings of Spring website

April 2, 2002

Root, Root, Root for the Home Team...
by Kristen Herbert and Bill Krtland

I sit at my desk humming along to the song Centerfield by John Fogerty. How apropos! I�ve spent the last several months waiting in anticipation for this day to come. With each trade that was made and each deal that was somehow pulled off, I became more and more anxious. Today it all comes together. I am of course referring to start of the 2002 Baseball season. The time of year where every team is at the same point, no one is behind and no one has raced ahead. Baseball fans everywhere can say to themselves �This could be the year that they get to the Series�. Every player, team and fan can honestly believe that this could be their year. Let the fights, arguments and outright brawling begin!

In honor of Opening Day I have a special treat for everyone. If you have read any of my past articles about Baseball, then you know that I live with someone who stands for everything that I hate. He believes in all of the things that I detest in this world. He is my definition of evil�a Yankee fan. In the spirit of the season I thought that I would finally let him have his say. Ladies & Gentlemen, I give you Bill�

�Hey Kris.�

�Hey Bill. So, how do you feel about the upcoming season?�

�Well, what do I have to say? Another season and we expect another championship. We were denied one last season because the baseball gods felt the need to let someone else share in the glory for a brief moment in time. Notice my emphasis on the word brief.�

�Ok, Mr. Championship, how do you feel about the Yanks, with Roger Clemens starting, getting their asses handed to them by the Orioles earlier today?�

�Kristen, the season consists of 162 games. If we cried over all of the losses, then we�d cry almost thirty times a year. We don�t sweat this. The Yankees start of slow most seasons. Usually the Blue Jays are in first until late May. When was the last time they won the AL East?�

� Well, they won in �93, which was probably the last time the Yankees payroll was under 100 million for the year. I gotta give you that though; the Yankees are usually the best team that money can buy. Too bad no one else has that kind of money.�

� This is a common misconception. While we do usually acquire the most expensive free agent in the last two or three seasons, a lot of our best players have come up through the farm system. Have you ever heard of Jeter, Rivera or Williams? Sure, we could trade for guys like Steve Traschel, but we prefer to take our chances rather than settle for the first available starter.�

�Ah, here we go�implying the Mets settle, huh? You�re right, they really settled for Alomar this year�"

�You stole Alomar from a team who has taken itself out of a pennant race and become an expansion team in one fowl swoop.�

�Like the Yankees don�t steal, cheat and lie? Hey, has Steinbrenner signed Danny Almonte from the little league world series yet?�

�Hardee-Har-Har.�

�Ok, we�re getting off topic here. What are your predictions for the 2002 season, Bill?�

�Here�s how I see it. In the NL West, it will be the D-backs. In the NL Central it will be the Cards (my boy Tino!) and in the NL East the Braves. Sorry, Kris, but you can�t mess with history.�

�You�re boy Tino, huh? You mean the Tino who played his heart out for the Yanks and than got tossed to the curb the second they had a shot at Giambi? Gotta love that Pinstripe loyalty!�

�By the way-I weep tears for Tino every night, but we are a stronger team now. Allow me to finish with my picks!�

�So sorry, please be my guest.�

�My picks for the American league: In the West, it will be the A�s (screw you Mariners). In the Central, it will be the White Sox (Big Hurt is back). And in the AL East�drum-roll please�Devil Rays. Just Kidding, Da Yanks of course.�

�Screw you, Mariners? Oh, poor baby, are we still bitter about the Mariners squashing the Yankees AL record for most wins in a season? Not a very good loser, are you?�

�I don�t have to be, the Yankees rarely lose. Let me explain something to you, Sweetie. Sometimes the regular season means absolutely nothing, as we saw in the play-offs last year. The Yankees were not the best team going in, but we still beat the Mariners and the A�s.�

� Good point, Bill. Who would have thought that Schilling & Johnson would be wearing those World Series rings instead of Clemens and El Duque? I sure cried over that one, let me tell ya.�

�Ouch, that hurts. Like the rest of the free world I thought that the Yanks had another one wrapped up with Rivera coming in with the lead. My opinion is that they brought him in too early or else we would have had four in a row.�

�Hind-sight is 20/20, but playing Monday morning Quarterback doesn�t get ya anything. Besides, I am pretty sure that there were quite a few people that weren�t disappointed to see Rivera get sha-lacked. Myself included.�

�Hey Kris, by the way, when do the Mets & Yanks meet for the first time this year?�

�June 14-16 at Shea. On my birthday, yet again. And No, you are not coming with me, so don�t even ask.�

�Oh, how I look forward to the sounds of war such as a baseball going 98 miles an hour off the NY on Piazza�s helmet. Boy, that was fun.�

�I�m so glad that you brought that up. It takes a real man to hit a player in the head with a pitch. Actually, it takes a really big man to throw a broken bat at someone as well. That was a real classy move and truly in the spirit of the Yankee fans of today.�

�Let me make something clear. I don�t condone intentionally hitting players.�

�Can�t say that I agree. I would love to hit Clemens.�

�While I don�t feel that Clemens intentionally hit him. I think that Piazza needs to be a man and stand up for himself. I was glad to see him finally do that in Spring Training against the Dodgers.�

�I agree, but what did Mota say to Piazza after Piazza confronted him? �Clemens hit you with a pitch and you didn�t go after him� That is yet another example of the Yankees ruining baseball as we know it.�

�Ok, Kris�moving along. Do you honestly feel that the Mets have what it takes to beat a championship caliber team like the Yankees?�

�Absolutely. There were some amazing moves that were pulled off in the off-season and today we saw what this year�s team can and will do. Last year the offense was lacking at best and that seams to be taken care of with the additions of Alomar, Cedeno and Vaughn. Payton, Alfonzo and Ordenez worked their asses off in spring training and that shows as well. Leiter pitched a beauty and the bullpen did exactly what they were supposed to. All is all, this year�s team has got it.�

�Please, please, please give some credit to Burnitz. He was also a huge acquisition and I think that he will pay dividends before the season�s end.�

�I totally agree. I also feel the same way about Burnitz and Estes, I just couldn�t mention all the great things the Mets have going for them this year without rubbing it in. Hey, what was the score of the Yanks/Orioles game today? I didn�t catch the whole thing.�

�First off all, I didn�t catch the final score, since I had to work. But keep in mind that �One game, does not a season make� What other team could overcome the loss of players like O�Neil, Brosius and Tino and still be heavily favored to win the Series? Answer�the Yankees.�

�Truthfully, I�m not sure that the Yanks will do it this year, Bill. Yeah, they have the quality players that they need, but they lost all of the guys that held the team together.�

�Tell ya what. If the Mets can overcome the relentless Braves (and the Expos for that matter) then I think that we could have a good series on our hands, but don�t hold your breath.�

�I'm not worried. With the way the Yanks looked today, I won�t have to hold my breath. Come late September they will all be playing golf.�

�You�ve got a lot of nerve talking such smack when you root for a team that has a championship history like the Los Angeles Clippers and the Tampa Bay Lightening. By the way-I heard the Mets will be playing all of their home games on �Lifetime-Television for Women� this year.�

�Real funny. I�m just glad the Yanks have their own network now and most of us don�t get it. Bill, you do realize that you are sleeping on the curb tonight, right?��Yes, I do and that means that the baseball season has officially begun. Mark my words�Yanks in five. On a final note, Hey Red Sox fans�Nomaaaaaaaar couldn�t lick the dirt of Giambi�s cleats and don�t forget it. How about Pedro�s debut today? Never mind�see ya in September.�

�Yes, Pedro did almost as well as Clemens�Anyway�Let�s Go Mets!�

March 21, 2002

Part 1: Spring Cleaning
by Kristen Herbert

Spring is here! The snow is melting, the flowers are beginning to peek up from the ground and we say good-bye to the long, dark winter. Today is the first official day of spring which means that its time to start thinking about �Spring Cleaning�. I�m not just referring to the physical process of dusting, vacuuming and getting rid of the unnecessary clutter that is in your house. I�m talking about doing an emotional �Spring Cleaning�. Saying �Farewell!� not only to the cold days of winter, but also saying good-bye to that emotional baggage that we carry along with us.

While my house gets a major overhaul once a year at this time, I don�t do the same thing for myself. It�s certainly about time that I did. I realize that I�m going to have to take a different approach with this. When cleaning the house I have to sort through closets, the garage and stacks of papers that have piled up throughout the winter. To do my own personal spring-cleaning it looks like I will be sorting through resentments, guilt and broken promises. I can see that this is going to be quite a task. Hmmm�where do I begin?

I start with the resentments. I open the door to the �room� that holds all of my anger with people that I think wronged me in some way, shape or form. Over in one corner I find resentments that I have been holding onto since fifth grace. That�s just a bit ridiculous, don�t you think? Someone recently told me that holding onto a resentment is like a dog peeing on your leg�you�re the only one who feels it. How very true that appears to be. Often the other person may not even be aware of the resentment. It�s clearly time for a major overhaul and cleaning in this area!

But how do we do that? How do we just let go of these feelings? After a few attempts I find that only forgiveness can do that. We have to forgive the people that we feel hurt us or angered us even if they don�t deserve it. Maybe they were outright disgusting to us, but for me that�s the only way that I have found to let go of them. By forgiving whomever it is that I am holding a resentment against, I am able to evict that resentment from my �house�. Yeah, it is really hard, but what other choice do we really have? We can either allow ourselves to be unhappy or we can forgive and let go. The second option looks a lot better to me. I pick up the box labeled �Anger with a friend from high school who I haven�t seen in a decade� and toss it into the garbage. Same goes for �Boyfriend who broke my heart in college�. Tha t�s going to the curb as well. After a bit of time, quite a few tears and a lot of effort this room appears to be in order.

But wait, what�s that? There is still one box sitting in that room. It�s bigger than all of the others and it looks rather frightening. Dare I tackle it?

I slowly approach the box. I carefully open the lid and inside of it are things that must have been there for years. This box contains all of the things that I haven�t been able to forgive myself for. No wonder it�s so big! It holds all of the things that I beat myself up over, consciously or not. Well, it�s time to tackle this one now. If I can forgive others and they can forgive me, I damn well better learn how to forgive myself.

There is stuff in here that I can�t even remember! There are things that I have been forgiven for and things I might never be forgiven for. Panic sets it. I can�t do this. It�s just too overwhelming.

I call for back-up.

Ten minutes later a friend is over at my house ready to assist. She reminds me that we can�t change the past. She reminds me that when we hold onto to too much stuff from the past, it prevents us from living in the present.

�It�s just too much!� I cry out. �Look how many things are in here involving past relationships! How can I possibly let all of this go?�

�Relax. You can do this.� She encourages me. �You need to do this!�

She�s right. I do need to do this. Every thing in the remaining box are things I still believe I can �fix�. The reality of the situation is that I can�t in most cases. I have to let go of the false belief that these things can be fixed. If that is true then, what purpose does all of this guilt in me life really serve? All that is accomplished by holding onto this guilt it that I feel bad about things that I can�t control. My only option is to try to make amends for what I can and let the rest go.

The perfect example is the guilt I carry with me over a past relationship. I feel absolutely horrible over the way that I treated an ex-boyfriend, Dan. (names have been changed to protect the victim) The feelings of guilt and remorse have been so overwhelming regardless of how much time passes. He was truly a wonderful man who cared deeply for me, and I treated him so terribly that it makes me physically sick to even think about it.

I have to remind myself that Dan and I dated during an extremely rough time in my life when I had a lot going on, internally & externally. It was so bad that I didn�t even notice how badly I behaved or how I clearly took him for granted. It wasn�t until after we broke up that I stopped and took the time to honestly examine my part in that relationship. Then I saw that I acted childish and selfish and didn�t love him the way that I should have. However, a year after we broke up this realization did me little good. Too little, too late. So, I tried to apologize to him. Being the emotionally mature individual that he is, he refused to have anything to do with me and I can�t blame him for that. So, since my attempt failed, I have repeatedly beat the crap out of myself over the way that I had treated him. What good does that do? Who is this really helping?

In my spring-cleaning process I realize that I have to let go of all this baggage that is holding me back. Dan may or may not ever forgive me for how I behaved, but that�s not up to me. I am responsible for my actions, but not what other people�s responses are to them. Whether or not he ever does forgive me, I need to forgive myself and move on. I know how wrong I was and I would never behave that way again. That knowledge is all that I can take away from that relationship. I need to learn and then let go of the weight that is pulling me down.

Next it is time to deal with the �If only�s�. They are a tricky, messy little bunch that take up an entire room. �If only I had finished grad school, I would be happy now.� �If only I had taken that other job, things would be great.� Maybe, maybe not.

The reality is that it doesn�t matter. I can�t go back and change these things. All I can do is live in today and learn from my past experiences. I refuse to even call them mistakes anymore. Those �mistakes� had to happen in order for me to get where I am today. No question about it, most of my �If Only�s� are going right in the garbage. I�ll leave a few there that will help to motivate me. I am however re-naming them �Goals�.The Grad school one for example is allowed to stay. The reason that can stay is because that is something that I can change.

If I am not happy with something, then I need to take forward steps to do what will make me happy. I can�t change the past, no matter how much I might like to at times. What I have is my present and I can do things now so that I don�t regret not taking chances in the future. That�s what I can control and that is what I should concern myself with.

What�s the point of cleaning and organizing your environment if you can�t do the same for yourself? Try to take some time to do your own personal spring-cleaning in the coming weeks. Get rid of your baggage that is holding you back. Be the person that you know you can be. If you have to, make a list of things that are holding you back and tackle them one at a time. Just make sure that you take the time to give yourself what you need right now. Accept the past, learn what you can and go forward.

March 11, 2002

Let Us Never Forget
by Kristen Herbert

Six months, 180 days since life as we knew it fell into a cloud of smoke with the World Trade Center. At times it seems like a lifetime ago, yet at other moments it feels like it happened only yesterday. I can't understand, nor can I accept the events of September 11th any easier today than I could the morning that it happened. In a way it is almost as though the shock still hasn't worn off. Despite all that I have seen and all that I know, I just can't comprehend how or why this could have happened. They say time heals all wounds. I guess it just hasn't been enough time. Somehow, I don't think there will ever be enough time to heal these wounds.

Most of us have gone with our lives by pushing it out of our minds. Events such as these seem too painful to bear when you try to analyze them, so most of us try to do what we can not to think about it. Unfortunately there are so many that can't do that.

I need to remember that I am one of the lucky ones. No one in my immediate family was lost that day. The same can't be said for some in my Long Island, NY town. The same can't be said for thousands and thousands of other people throughout the country. No matter how much we try to move on with our lives, it doesn't change the fact that, well, we can't. There are too many reminders. Too many children left without parents. Too many widows, daughters, sons. And not enough answers.

Last night I watched the program "9/11" and I truly felt my heartache. Seeing the events through those cameras was an entirely different experience. I had to turn it off after a while because I couldn't bear to watch anymore of it. Can you even imagine how those in the Towers felt on that morning? The feelings of disbelief and shock of seeing the second plane hit were just as strong as they were six months ago. It was at that moment that we knew that this was not an accident, but rather an intentional act of terror. Watching the people running through the streets while dodging debris is the most horrendous thing that I could ever have imagined happening in my country. It's something you see on the news about far away places. We feel badly, we may shed a tear. But now it came to us. And it's not television anymore. It's reality.

Which is why we can never forget those who were lost that day or the people who suffer from the loss every day since. But this brings up a puzzling question, how do we go on and still remember? How do we honor the lives lost and continue on with the lives left. How do we live without a clear answer to the question haunting everyone's mind, why?

We may never get an answer to that question. But we can honor lives lost by honoring our lives. By embracing everything that we hold dear in this country, the freedom to live as we choose. Because now more than ever, we must cling to that freedom and never let it go.

There's still so much we can do to help the victims. Whether it be through a financial donation or donation of your time, we can all find a way to help ease the suffering just a bit. Or simply, find a way to thank all of the people who risk their lives in order to protect yours. It could be as small as sending a card or shaking a firefighters hand and saying "Thank you." There is something that each and everyone one of us can and should do. For a list of ideas, please take a look at the Weekly Catch this week.

In addition to remembering those who were lost, we must also think about all of the people that are still doing everything they can to find victims from 9/11. There was a lot of attention placed on these selfless souls right after the attacks, but most people have forgotten that, they're still there. They're still working day and night to try and bring home some peace to the families who lost loved ones.

The respect and admiration that I have for all firefighters and police officers cannot be expressed in words. These are the people who risk their lives on a regular basis for the safety of others. The rescue workers at Ground Zero showed us what the word "Hero" really means on September 11th and in the months that followed. The courage, bravery and strength that they exhibited should forever be commended. The most incredible thing is that this was not a random occurrence for these people. This is what they do every day. At any given moment there is a firefighter or police officer risking their own life in order to save others. So don't be shy when you see a firefighter or EMT worker, or police officer, tell them you appreciate what they do for you and so many others.

Take some time this week to just stop and think. Think about the magnitude of the attacks and how they have effected and changed this country. Take a moment to reflect on what freedom means to you. Think about the value of your life and think about the people who risk theirs to save yours.

Last week I was worried about issues with my job, but today I am reminded of just how meaningless my worries are. Put your "problems" into their proper place and remember the thousands suffering from wounds that will never heal. Think about them today and say a prayer or find something you can do to honor these people. United We Stand, it's not just a song anymore. It's a faith.

I hold onto every single thing that I have ever owned. My shelves, closets and drawers are jammed packed with things that I just might need one day. The situation has gotten so out of hand that I have to avoid getting caught in an avalanche every time I open my closet door. I realized that something had to be done soon or someone was going to get hurt. So, yesterday I made a commitment to clean out my closets and get rid of anything that I hadn�t worn in the last year. I put on my rubber gloves, goggles and Hazmat suit and with great caution I approached my closet.

The first hour was painful. Not only was it physically exhausting, but it was emotio nally draining. I tried rationalizing why I needed each and every piece of clothing, but my boyfriend quickly cut right through my B.S. I got about half way through the closet when I saw �them�. Hanging there, with a spotlight shining on them, were those fabulous gray pants that had only seen the light of day once. They have hung there patiently waiting for the day that they would make their public debut. They have hung in my closet for five years and they taunt me on a regular basis. Every time I see those pants, I feel like a failure. How could a pair of pants have such a powerful effect on me? Because they are my �skinny pants�.

Skinny pants: A pair of pants that permanently hang in a woman�s closet, despite the fact that they are several sizes too small for her. They are a fixture in the closet as a result of the owner�s belief that she will one day fit into them. The owner has the false notion that then, and only then, will life be wonderful.

While men may not understand the concept of skinny pants, most women know it all too well. They are a pair of jeans that fit in college, but you can no longer get one leg into. You tell yourself that once you finally get back to the gym, then those pants will fit. Or they could be a pair of leather pants that you bought two sizes too small because they were on sale. Once again, you have a firm belief that they will fit �one day�. You tell yourself that t hey will be motivation to lose that extra weight. Instead they serve as an unrealistic goal that you will never comfortably be able to meet.

In my case they were those gray pants that fit for two days five years ago. They have spider webs hanging from them and bats fly out when you touch them. So, why have I held onto these Barbie Doll pants? Because getting rid of them would mean accepting that I will never be that size again. Oh no, I could never do that! This way I have something to look forward to and fool myself about. These pants allow me to constantly doubt myself and equate my self worth with my clothing size. Why would I want to give that torture up?

All the emotional turmoil that was brought up by my skinny pants made me see that this is about much more than an article of clothing. This is about what those pants represent and what we are saying to ourselves by keeping them in our closets.

Think about the last time you tried on your skinny pants. Personally, I nearly dislocated my hip the last time I tried to squeeze myself into mine. With much disgust I peeled them off and felt horribly depressed. For the ten thousandth time in my life, I shouted �That�s it! I�m going to lose weight!� Once again I convinced myself that life would not be complete unti l those freaking pants fit comfortably and I could get them on without the assistance of a shoe-horn. It didn�t matter what else was going on in my life, if those pants didn�t fit, then I was doing something wrong.

By holding onto these clothes, we�re saying to ourselves �I am not good enough the way that I am. I need to be smaller and one day I will be.� When I say this out loud, I can see just how absurd all of this is. Now I realize that this goes against the majority of my beliefs. The fact that a pair of pants were serving as a personal goal shows just how screwed up priorities can get at times. Fact: A WOMAN�S WORTH CANNOT BE MEASURED BY A SMALL NUMBER ON AN ARTICLE OF CLOTHING. A woman is so much more.

Right now I am at a place where I eat pretty healthy, but let myself have what I want. I get a little exercise, I am happy and I am overall healthy. Healthy is the key word. I look at food in terms of how much protein or vitamins I am getting from it, and not in terms of �Oh God, if I eat this I will never fit into that dress I have to wear this weekend!� I now know that I am fine just the way I am�Screw that, I am great just the way that I am.

I took my skinny pants out of the closet and off the hanger. I examined them. Geez, they looked tiny. My boyfriend stared at them and asked if they were left over from elementary school. I thought back to that one weekend when the pants actually did fit. I was so excited that I fit into them that I didn�t notice how terrible I looked. That was one of the most unhealthy times in my life, yet things were good because my skinny pants fit. Never mind that I was barely eating enough to keep myself alive and that I was usually too tired to make it to class. People kept asking if I had mono or something, and the sad part is that I didn�t. How unbalanced does that sound? What would make me think that I should fit into those pants? The truth of the matter is that I shouldn�t.

I realized that if my �skinny pants� ever do fit again, then it means that something is horribly wrong with me. It doesn�t mean that I look good, it means that I look sick. All of sudden I was able to look at them for what they truly were and not what I h ave convinced myself that they were. They didn�t serve as motivation to be healthy, they reinforced a belief that I had to be thinner one day. In reality, it�s not that I am too big. It�s that those pants and those beliefs are too small. I have grown way too much emotionally to even think about fitting into those pants. Try this: Go into your closet right now and rip those �unhealthy pants� from the hanger. Now yell at those pants �I am perfect the way that I am!� (Best done if you are home alone.) Now go and put them in the garbage, burn them or give them away to a small child. Take a deep breath and let out that long awaited sigh of relief. Trust me, the feeling of liberation that you get will be more wonderful than you could have ever imagined. The self-acceptance will give you much more than any �skinny pants� ever could.

That's a question I've been asking a lot this week. What if I could do it again?

When I was a kid, I watched the Olympics. The winter Olympics were my favorite. I loved the figure skating. Dorothy Hamil was like a princess on the ice. I wanted to be just like her. And I remember vividly the famous Miracle on Ice hockey game at the 1980 Lake Placid games. The Lake Placid games were special, memorable. There was something exhilarating about those games. For me it was a fairy tale and a momentary inspiration amidst a very turbulent time in my life. It was the eve of my parents divorce and I was home for two months with a horrible case of mono. I think the Lake Placid games were my escape. My calm before the storm for somehow intuitively, I knew what was coming.

Salt Lake was similarly magical. And maybe I was feeling sentimental. I felt a strange symmetry between Salt Lake and Lake Placid and it wasn't that they both had the home field advantage. I think it was a combination of feelings - inspiration, nostalgia, loss, admiration, sadness and reflection. Similar to an Olympic sport, the games marked a long race for me. Lake Placid was the starting point and Salt Lake the finish.

The spirit born to me had wings. The journey I took clipped them away. Competing at the Olympics was something I always believed I could do. Especially as a very small child. In 1976 when Dorothy Hamil won her gold medal, I was nine. And I begged my mother to let me take skating lessons. I had already been dancing since the age of three and I didn't think twice about whether or not I could do it. I knew I could. My mother indulged me for a short while. But as soon as I started getting interested, she pulled me out. I don't remember the reason. And to this day her version of the story is that I didn't want to do it. Well, that's what she's told herself. I don't remember what I said. But I knew that I did want to do it.

My mother is handicapped. She had polio when she was four and has been paralyzed since. She walks with the aid of crutches and braces. She's a remarkable woman who's done much with her life and she's given me many gifts including endurance and integrity. And taught me how to care. But she didn't give me the confidence to use my wings.

I can't begin to imagine what life has been like for her. And it's amazing what she's accomplished. She's really an Olympian in a way which makes it that much more ironic that she failed to encourage her own daughter to go for the gold.

I'm not suggesting I could have competed if it weren't for my mother. Who knows. I made my own choices. But it would have been nice to have the support early on. Someone routing for me saying, "Yes Sarah, go go go! You can do it!" Instead I had someone saying, "No No No! You can't do that!" That's a tough thing to swallow as a kid. Especially coming from a parent. A child's intellect isn't mature enough to understand they can make their own decision.

What I did to contribute to my lost chances haunts me far more than my mother's less than perfect parenting skills. What child comes with a manual? Every parent brings their own crap into the mix. I know that. Which is why I believe it's so crucial to be at peace with yourself before entering into parenthood. So I take responsibility for my losses. And those losses are great and many.

My eating disorder imprisoned me for almost 20 years. So much time wasted. Time that should have fueled my power but stripped me of it instead. When I watched the Olympics these past two weeks, I think I started to think about that.

I'm not sure I would have ever wanted to be in the Olympics but as a kid that opportunity was still there. And I had that kind of desire to accomplish something great. When you're a kid you think there's always gonna be time. And it's a clich� I know. People talk about wasting their lives away all the time. But that clich� started to make so much sense to me this past couple weeks. And I got really mad thinking about it. Thinking how much energy I wasted on my eating disorder. Not just the biological effects of it, but all that comes with - the drama. My life was wrapped up in a bubble of that drama. And I can't go back and do it differently. God I wish I could. Ah the other famous clich� - if I only knew then what I know now. But it wouldn't matter a damn.

The Olympics humbled me. Watching some of the stories. Alisa Camplin from Australia who trained for aerial jumping on a trampoline over a muddy pond and sold her car to come to the games. She never won anything in her life, total long shot at the games. She won the gold. I got so angry at myself watching all these athletes thinking, why did I waste so much time! Some of these people had far more to overcome than I did. Hell Chris Klug had a liver transplant!

I don't know each individual athletes personal story. Maybe none of them were abused, maybe they all had supportive parents, maybe overcoming obstacles came easier for them. Regardless, I felt so much admiration and envy for their accomplishments. Wishing I could do something truly grand.

So the wheels started spinning and I was mulling over all the winter sports trying to figure out what event I could compete in. Maybe I could do that skeleton thing, or the bobsled. But that excitement soon turned to frustration when I realized that I can't do some of the things I thought I'd always be able to. I'm 35 now and the reality is, I can't compete in the Olympics. I'll be 39 when the next one rolls around, 37 if you count the summer Olympics. Maybe I could take up Curling - not. But that's a sobering realization. But hell, I'm glad I still had it in me to somewhere to believe I could do something like that. Thank God for that. I hope I never lose that ability to believe I can do anything, however ridiculous it might be. And although that feeling is quite buried, it's still there.

I guess all hope isn't lost. But I can't go back and do it again. And I'll never win a gold medal. What I can do is see what I can do now.

When I thought about what to write to encourage people to celebrate Eating Disorder Awareness Week, I wanted to say something that, well, inspired me. Because I think that's what it's all about. How we can each spread the message by looking at our own lives and making the choice to stand in our power instead of wasting our time. Because you can't go back. But you can go forward. So as the good folks at Nike say, just do it.

February 18, 2002

He Must Be Using Rogaine: Why Ex�s Always Look Better After The Break-up
by Kristen Herbert

Fate continues to play a cruel joke on me in regards to ex-boyfriends. As soon as I start missing them, I bump into them at the least opportune moments. It's inevitable. Since this happens so frequently to me, I decided it must be a gift. And so I think I'll share my wisdom and methods with all of you.

When you start missing your ex, following these sure-fire tips:

That's it! You've achieved your goal - total humiliation. If your lucky, as an added bonus, he will most likely be with his beautiful new girlfriend, whom he will be delighted to introduce you to. As he walks away with the new object of his desire, you will notice that he actually looks more appealing than he used to. Why couldn�t he look like that when you were together? Why do all Ex�s look better after the break-up?

I began to think that perhaps what has a negative effect on men is the act of the dating ritual - with me. And maybe they actually do look worse while we are dating. I even had an �Ex� tell me once that he was going to start a 12 step support group for people that have dated me. He came up with a whole plan for it too. The first step was �We admitted that we were powerless over Kristen and that Kristen has made our life unmanageable� and so on and so on. It made me start to daydream of visions of past boyfriends sitting in a room, chain smoking and griping about the wrongs I committed against. One begins saying how all he wants to do is get his life back together. Another comforts him and tells him that it will be okay and that he can get through this as long as he avoids Kristen at all costs.

Okay, back to reality. I feel pretty confident in the fact that their issues existed before I came into their lives. Besides, I am pretty sure that dating me isn�t that terrifying of an experience. Is it? Well, not being on the other side, I'll have to assume not. But let's explore this issue some more.

If it is not that they do in fact look worse while we are dating, then why do they appear to look so much better post-break-up? I was left extremely puzzled by this and decided to find out once and for all how and why this phenomena occurs.

I started by really digging into my past. It was a painful task and one that I was not looking forward to, but I felt that it was the only way to solve this puzzle. The list was long and gruesome. Since I was a teenager, I have pretty much gone from one relationship to the next without so much as a day alone to re-group. When looking though my scrapbook of �Boyfriends Past�, one thing really jumped out at me. The new boyfriend is almost always the exact opposite of the former. I wondered, could that be the connection? Could my subconscious �Rule of Opposites� have something to do with all of this? Allow me to elaborate through the story of Mr. Fun & Mr. Maturity.

After weeks of being unhappy, I decided to end my relationship with Mr. Fun because as fun as he was, he was ridiculously juvenile. Years went by yet he remained 19. After the break-up, I was immediately drawn to �Mr. Maturity�. From the attach� case to the Propecia in his medicine cabinet, this man screamed �mature & stable�. His shoes, his haircut and his perfectly planned out future were exactly what I thought I needed at the time.

In the beginning I found him to be like a breath of fresh air. He was everything that Mr. Fun wasn�t. Unfortunately, that air too eventually began to get stale. We dated for a while and then I started to get restless. Mr. Maturity started to look like Mr. Painfully Dull. I would have to struggle to keep awake during conversations by pinching myself. The longer that we dated the more wine I had to drink just to get through an evening with him. I was miserable. Then one day I ran into my old friend. Mr. Fun.

Strangely, Mr. Fun no longer looked like the perpetual infant I'd thought him to be. It seemed now, he was just what I needed. He could get me out of the adult rut that, Mr. Maturity-I�d-rather-get-my-legs waxed-than-have-a-conversation-with, had gotten me into. Mr. Fun�s backwards hat now looked really young and fresh, rather than the source of agitation it used to be. He was playful rather than childish. And I needed some play.

Mr. Maturity on the other hand wasn�t looking so good. What I had thought of as stability was starting to look more and more like Obsessive-Compulsiveness. Rather than mature, I kept thinking of him as someone that my father would socialize with. When speaking to him my eyes would be fixated on his bald spot which was growing larger by the minute. The neurotic system he had for getting dressed was annoying rather than quirky. What was I doing??? I had given up a fun-loving relationship to be with an old man!

So I left Mr. Maturity and I went back to Mr. Fun. I�m sure you can guess what happened next. Sure enough, when I ran into Mr. Maturity a few months down the road he looked great. I immediately began to miss him and question why we had broken up? Total insanity. How and why does this happen?

After much reflection, I realized that my Ex�s don�t actually change. I do. And I develop selective memory. I am unable to remember all of the reasons that I did not want to be with them, or all of the times that they drove me nuts. What I am really doing when I look longingly at an Ex is doubting myself. I develop a horrible case of the �If Only�s�. �If only I was with that person, then I would feel more secure�. �If only I was dating him again, then my life would have more structure.� I would get caught up in the false belief that something or someone could make me happy when I wasn�t happy with myself. The Ex doesn�t actually look better, (although maybe the lack of fighting is causing them to sleep better) I just forget. It is my own insecurities that lead me to believe these foolish things and to view Ex�s in a distorted way.

Granted, maybe they do in fact start working out or do something else to change their outward appearances, but they are still the same person that I knew was wrong for me. What I needed was to be happy with myself. Until that occurred, any relationship was doomed. No one would be able to give me what I was lacking because I had to give it to myself. That is why the grass always looked so much greener. I was always looking for someone else to make me happy and never found that satisfaction because I was lacking it in myself. Now that I'm more comfortable with myself and know what I need, I don�t doubt my past decisions.

Once I was armed with this knowledge, I began to look at things quite differently. Once I had faith in the fact that I made decisions that were right for me at the time and that they couldn�t be changed regardless, I was able to smash those distorted rose-colored glasses. Now when I run into a ghost from my past, I look at them realistically and let them stay in my past where they belong. I don�t look outside of myself for happiness anymore. I simply choose not to look at the other side to see how green the grass is. It just doesn�t matter. Instead, I make sure that my own lawn is green. Because in truth, the grass will always be greener for everything in life. So make yours as green as it gets.